As the founder of Mothering Girls, Dr. Fiona Ghiglione is dedicated to supporting families through the challenges of raising preteen daughters. With over 20 years experience in psychology, mindfulness, and child development, she provides invaluable guidance on navigating the complexities of preadolescence.
Here she shares her professional insights into how parents can help prepare their children with the necessary skills to navigate the online world, and how to prepare for this significant step as a family.
I remember the exact moment my daughter first asked for a phone. She was only nine, standing there in the kitchen, eyes wide with excitement, and all I could think was, “I’m not ready for this.” If you’re a parent, no matter where you live, you’ve probably had similar moments of dread. Questions like, “When should I give her a phone?” or “How will I handle this new stage of her life?” keep popping up. According to the latest Children’s Wellbeing in a Digital World Index report (2024), parents everywhere are growing more concerned about online risks, with many feeling that technology is seriously disrupting family life.
It’s not hard to find reasons to delay giving kids a phone. We’re all aware of the mental health risks associated with phones and social media. Recent studies back this up: A 2023 report by the Royal Society for Public Health found that social media use among teenagers is linked to rising rates of anxiety and depression. Other studies show phone access significantly increases the chances that our kids will be exposed to damaging content such as pornography, unsolicited nudes, manipulative filters, or even extortion.
Here’s the thing—phones and social media are designed to be addictive, demanding levels of self-regulation and awareness that most kids simply don’t have yet. Their brains are still developing, particularly the prefrontal cortex, which controls decision-making and impulse control, and won’t fully mature until they’re in their twenties. So, it’s only logical to hold off on giving them a phone—a stance that’s gaining support from both governments and educators.
There is one question, however, that seems to get missed in this debate: How do we prepare our kids in the meantime? While they are waiting for phones and social media?
Even if they don’t have a phone yet, our kids are still exposed to the digital world. They need to be ready. We should use these preteen years to equip them—and our entire family—with the skills and resilience needed to navigate the digital age.
So, why start now? Here are five reasons:
Reason #1: Preteens are already curious about the online world
Like it or not, our preteens are growing up in a world where phones and social media are everywhere. From a young age, they see people taking selfies, hear about influencers, and watch as those around them stay constantly connected. This naturally piques their curiosity. If you’re raising a preteen, you’ve probably heard them mention things you didn’t even know they knew. Information that no doubt they have acquired thanks to this natural curiosity.
Our culture also normalizes phone use, which directly influences our preteens’ attitudes. Over the years, getting a phone has become a sort of rite of passage for kids. According to a 2022 report by Common Sense Media, 84% of teens own a smartphone, with many wanting one even earlier. Shockingly, some studies suggest that 25% of kids aged 5-8 are asking for phones.
No matter our personal opinions on when kids should get a phone, the reality is that most preteens are already learning about these technologies every day—from peers, media, and culture. They’re curious, and they’ll seek out information. We can either let them learn from outside sources or start the conversation ourselves, helping them understand the digital world early on.
Reason #2: Preparing the family unit is crucial
Every challenge our kids face—whether online or offline—will ripple through the family. When they see something they don’t understand, or when they can’t put down their device, it affects them emotionally and socially, which in turn impacts our family life.
We have a choice: either we try to prepare our kids individually by giving them a book or sending them to a course, or we can prepare the whole family. As our kids move into their preteen and teen years, it really is an opportunity to pivot as a family. A 2021 study by the Pew Research Center showed that an open, communicative culture between parents and children around online activities significantly reduces risky behaviors, like exposure to inappropriate content or cyberbullying.
Before our kids get their own devices, why not start building trust, setting expectations, and creating shared family guidelines? This approach means that when our kids do get phones, they’ll have a framework of understanding and mutual respect, knowing exactly what to do and who to turn to if something goes wrong.
Reason #3: Developing healthy brains takes time
Just like we wouldn’t hand over car keys without driving lessons, we shouldn’t think teens who’ve patiently waited for a phone are any more prepared than those who get them right away.
A report from the American Academy of Pediatrics emphasizes the importance of teaching self-regulation, critical thinking, and coping mechanisms from an early age. These skills become fundamental for navigating phones and social media. Without them, our kids are more vulnerable to the darker side of online life, including cyberbullying and the pressures of social media.
With conscious effort we can help set our kids up to really practice these skills and more. Practice can happen through a wide range of outlets – such as being part of social groups, learning mindfulness, picking up reading or finding new hobbies and sparks. Developing these skills takes time and effort but can help buffer the negative effects of digital life and forge the skills they’ll need to manage phones and social media when the time comes.
Reason #4: Our kids are already impacted by the online world
Even without their own smartphone, our kids are still exposed to problematic online activities through gaming consoles, iPad apps, or other kids’ devices. It’s not too hard for them to find themselves in difficult or dangerous situations through this exposure.
The conversations we have with them about what they see and hear can shape how they interpret and react to digital content, including harmful material like edited photos or peer pressure to share personal pictures. A 2023 study in the Journal of Adolescent Health found that kids who discuss online experiences with their parents are better equipped to critically assess information and are less likely to engage in risky online behaviours.
Between the ages of 8 and 14, we have thousands of opportunities to address important topics like social media trends, peer pressure, and online interactions. When we’re prepared to see and use these moments, we can help our children develop the critical thinking skills they’ll need to thrive in a connected world.
Reason #5: The online landscape is only going to get more complex
We can all see how fast the digital world is evolving. New platforms, technologies, and challenges are emerging constantly. A 2023 report by the International Telecommunication Union highlights that technologies like augmented reality and virtual reality are expected to become mainstream soon, increasing the complexity of online interactions. Issues like deep fakes, advanced cyberbullying techniques, and new forms of online extortion are also becoming more common.
It doesn’t make sense to wait until our kids are “of age” to have a phone. Instead, let’s start equipping them now with the adaptability and knowledge they’ll need to handle these changes. By having regular, organic conversations with our kids during these years, we can better prepare them to navigate technology wisely in the future.
Ready to take the next step?
Want to know how to start preparing your preteen and family for phones? Here are a few pro-tips:
- Ask your preteen: What do you think it will be like having a phone or social media down the track? What do you think would be most challenging? What do you think you’ll enjoy most?
- Do a tech audit: What’s hardest when it comes to tech in your home? Is it managing screen time? Getting off devices without arguments? Being a good role model with your own tech use? The more aware we are of these challenges, the better we can do something to address them.
- Prepare your family, starting now: Most resources out there either focus solely on educating kids or are focused on restricting content. At Mothering Girls, we recognize that navigating this process can be tough. That’s why we’ve designed a unique, interactive program for families to do this differently. If you’re interested in taking this journey with the whole family, head over to Mothering Girls for more info.
Let’s get started on this journey together, one step at a time.
Read more articles about parenting and wellbeing on the MumAbroad blog
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